I Killed My Husband ( not really )

Well it has come to this. 

(not really)

I have killed my husband. 

(really; not really)

Oh this is not the first time either. I kill him about 

once a month. 

I think about it daily but that's another 

story.

 This time it was a lying son of a monkey's bum; light bulb salesman that pushed him to his death.. 

The conversation went like this. 

Hello may I speak to Mr. Davis I'm calling from the Paralyzed Veterans with Disabilities Group. 

My inner-bitch voice says : Wwwaaahat, did he just say?  

   

So I say into the phone could you repeat that dear? 

Aaannnd he does!  

I'm calling for Mr.Davis my name is John and I'm with the "Paralyzed Veterans with Disabilities Group" 

Ok that is what he said. I find myself wanting to ask at this point. 

So they are paralyzed and have other Disabilities? Or are they just really pissed about the whole being paralyzed thing.... Because I know he is a

 hot pink flocking flamingo liar!

My inner-bitch voice says: Realllllly and I'm a kung fu master looking for part time work as a maintenance man. 

What I really say is.......

Can I help you? Mr. Davis isn't taking calls < this is my standard response to all calls. Since we turned off the house phone and only use our cells now.

Well Ma'am he ordered some light bulbs from us and there seems to be some problem with the shipping address. If you could just confirm the order and the shipping address we will get those right out to you.

Big red flag there ^

You see what he did there? He just told me that I'm going to order from him. Now if I let him keep talking he will read a fake order to me and say "dose that sound about right? and if I say no he will ask about a smaller order trying to get a commitment on any order. 

So I stop him in his tracks with, 

"When did you say he placed that order with you?"

Now my inner child is chanting "fight fight fight" and the Diva in me says omg are you really going to get into a fight this early? at which time the inner bitch pipes up with stand back ladies "I got this" but wake up infoman in case I need back up.

Last week Mrs. Davis. He has ordered from us for several years now and always helps us with a generous donation.

Inner-bitch: Really? you don't say and I'm going to fit in a size 2 next week.

I've got him now Bob never orders from phone calls. He orders from Amazon.

So I calmly and rather unceremoniously 

kill my husband.

 It was swift and he felt no pain. Truth be told I doubt if he even realized anything was different. 

Mr.Davis didn't place any orders for anything last week or for the last two month for that matter! 

He had been in a comma after he passed out at the VA clinic, until he died of a stroke last week. 

Inner Diva: Ooooo girl not again. You killed him with that last time. 

Inner Bitch : Shut up I got this, fool go sit down.

Inner child: I got five dollars do you wanta make change?

Up steps Infoman, he tells me that most people are thrown off their game, by a change in demeanor or the use of language they are unfamiliar with. 

With out skipping a beat I say...

How dare you call up here four days after his funeral with some cock-a-mamie story about light bulbs!? You Sir are a fraud and a charlatan and I'm blocking this number after I report you to the Attorney Generals Office.. Good Day! 

Round of applause form the group in my head.

Yeah I get all 19th century on the phone when I prank lying telemarketers.

Now to those of you that are telemarketers.

If you call me with a sales pitch or an "offer" I usually just say " Mark this number out and move to the next one dear we are not interested." 

I have done that job and it's a ball buster even if you don't have balls. Most call rooms are honest people trying to pay the bills. It's not your fault that your best time to call is my worst time to take a call.

  

So anyway I'm a widow now. Well till he gets home tonight anyway. Should I have wine or chocolate to soothe my grief? LOL what am I thinking, both! 

I'm a widow damn it!    

Inner Diva: Girllllll you gotta stop killing that man. It's not right.

Inner bitch: Really it's better than killing him for real.

Inner child: fight fight fight 

Info-man: I'm going to get some lunch. Did you know if you butter the bread then add mayo to your sandwich it won't get soggy in the lunch box?

Chili starter

Or how to burn your mouth with out even trying....



We were blessed with a good crop of peppers this year not sweet peppers but the hot ones...

Scotch Bonnets , Ghost Peppers, and  Pasilla Negro Chile Peppers. Pepper Jelly , Sweet vinegar pepper shake for greens... and a new item to my hubby's line up.....Dada dun dada dun  ...chili starter.

We have enough for an army... no really... and about 20 marines. This stuff is PO-Tent!
his recipe ?

All the left over peppers ... 8  ghost                                    4  28 oz. cans or crushed tomatoes
                                         10  Scotch Bonnets                    5 or 6  Pasilla Negro Chile's
                                       
         put whole peppers in My Ninja and blend till you can't tell what it is....
add 1/2 can of crushed tomatoes. Blend until mixed and add to a large pot adding the rest of the tomatoes.
Bring to a boil and can in 4 oz. jars because you only need about at two teaspoons for a large pot of chili.

'










It's good we tested it out on number 2 daughter's family... two 16 oz cans of tomato sauce and one tsp of starter two cans of beans and not to hot for the kids and the grown up's added about a 1/4 tsp to
their bowls.



I'm looking forward to dinner ...yum!

Pond I Think Not ☼ Shenanigans Portal ☼ Likely

Yesterday was just one thing after the other 

at Casa de Ha ha. 

The pond seems to be some kind of shenanigans 

portal. 

Ever since we put water 

in it things 

have been happening 

that 

are just a little to 

the left of normal. Ok 

some of them were a 

block or two from 

normal. 

Last night 

He who never gets 

his way comes home 

with some pots 

and starts to adding things to the water 

 feature.

It's looking good so I go back 

to making dinner and about 3 minutes 

later he comes in soaking wet. You guessed it 

"The pond dunked him", his words.

Not I slipped in the pond but the pond dunked 

me. Really honey? 

Now I'm glad I did not see this because I 

have a thing called "Vasovagal syncope"  

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-vasovagal-syncope.htm 

I faint, pass out ,or get dizzy to the max 

when I laugh to hard. So I'm glad I did not 

see this fall I would have been out cold. 

That's not the funny part... Hubs is still 

saying the "pond" dunked him. I push this 

to the back of my mind and keep it moving. 

Fast forward to 2 am ...

I wake him up ...

why because I'm laughing in my sleep. 

Hysterical belly laughter and you guessed it 

even in my sleep I pass out. The thing 

is, I come to doing the same thing was 

doing when fainted the first time. We did get 

some sleep but I'm still trying 

to get the whole 

"the pond dunked me" out of my head.


















********Up Date Up Date Up Date*******









Here are a few pictures to get you up

to speed on the pond and fountain.

This is how it went the first fountain powered by a solar panel.. 

The view at night 

This one did not last long and I only have 

this picture but it happened so there you go.

Had to send this little box turtle on his way.

George wanted to play but I didn't want the vet bill after he got bit..

 Then came this fountain and some flowers and pond dye. Look close at the fountain see the blue?

Then we added fish and more flowers and got rid of the dye.

Ha ha see what I did there.

 There are 10 fish in this picture. One is MIA now. His name is carrot top for obvious reasons. 

every one hiding in this picture too hot I guess.

 

then we added a waterfall. Well it's more of a water rush but we are working on the speed. 

The fish don't seem to mind it much kinda play in it..

You can't see the waterfall well for the fountain sooooo you guess it. Out you go 

big o' tall fountain.

Out with the old and in with the new...

So this is where we are at the moment.. 

we lost another two fish. Spot was found floating in the pond and one of the Blues Brothers is missing.. 

we put up the game camera to see if we have a crane of raccoon fishing at dawn. 

So now you are up to speed on the 

Shenanigans Portal 

aka money pit.

I still say it would have been cheaper to have gotten me a pool.

dream pool

Camp Fire Cones or S'mores in a Cone

If you had any kind of outdoorsy childhood. It likely included  a camp fire or two. They no doubt came with at least one batch of S'mores. 

The law of averages says at least one or more of you has burnt the roof of your mouth on flaming hot melted molten marshmallow insides, that slid out of the perfectly browned and crusty outer layer that somehow managed to stay stuck to the stick.

This is not a sing Kumbaya and hold hands kind of happy felling at all!  Avoid it at all costs!  

If you can , but don't give up S'mores. Never give up on S'mores. 

There is not enough happy in the world and S'mores are happy.  They are the kind of  happy that you remember for ever. 

The played so hard the water from the hose was sweet and mud between your toes was the best it got in summer foot wear.

First hit at bat happy.  

First strike at bowling happy.

First fish on the line happy.

Maybe not first kiss happy but up there with it.

You see where I'm coming from now don't you. 

This kind of happy should not be marred by the fact the roof of your mouth is melting in to shreds of raw flesh that will surly catch fire any minute and send plumes of smoke rolling out your nose so dense that the fire department will have to be called.  

That is why I made these for my grand-kids...

There are many recipes and I do not know who came up with it first.... It has many names.....

Camp Fire Cones

S'mores in a Cone

Fun in a Cone

the list goes on and on.

The items you can put in it goes on for a bit too. 

You can do a build your own S'mores in a cone kind of bar set up if you like. 

I keep it simple, and make ahead of time to put on the grill after dinner.

Teddy Grams

Milk Chocolate Chips

Mini Marshmallows

Sugar Ice Cream Cones 

(They don't get mushy,mushy is not fun.)

and 

Foil to wrap cones in.

  

Here is the assembly in a nut shell. 

I mix it all together at room temp.

Start to wrap the foil around the cone.

Then I fill with my mix.

Finish wrapping and twist the ends.

Now set them aside till later.

After dinner place on the grill or next to the fire for 2 to 5 min. The time will depend on how hot your fire is. 

Unwrap eat and enjoy. 

I can not guarantee no one will burn their mouth on this but it's not happened at our house yet.

Austin and Jon chilling until time for the fire.

Waiting on a bonfire is one of the hardest things for little boys.

Izzy trying to get me to squirt Cool-Aid in her mouth.

We play a game called krazzy Kick ball ... long story short ....  you can use your squirt gun to put soda or Kool-aid in someones moth you don't have to be out.






Happy Grand children left my house clutching the extra cones I did not roast on the grill. I sent home instructions with their mom on how to bake them in the oven ... and orders for grand kids not to put them in the microwave.

P.S. 

Your can wrap in wax paper and nuke in the microwave for about 4 sec. on rainy days. Or make as above and bake in a 350° oven for about 5 minutes  or as long as it takes your oven to heat up to 350° which ever comes first.