I Killed My Husband ( not really )

Well it has come to this. 

(not really)

I have killed my husband. 

(really; not really)

Oh this is not the first time either. I kill him about 

once a month. 

I think about it daily but that's another 

story.

 This time it was a lying son of a monkey's bum; light bulb salesman that pushed him to his death.. 

The conversation went like this. 

Hello may I speak to Mr. Davis I'm calling from the Paralyzed Veterans with Disabilities Group. 

My inner-bitch voice says : Wwwaaahat, did he just say?  

   

So I say into the phone could you repeat that dear? 

Aaannnd he does!  

I'm calling for Mr.Davis my name is John and I'm with the "Paralyzed Veterans with Disabilities Group" 

Ok that is what he said. I find myself wanting to ask at this point. 

So they are paralyzed and have other Disabilities? Or are they just really pissed about the whole being paralyzed thing.... Because I know he is a

 hot pink flocking flamingo liar!

My inner-bitch voice says: Realllllly and I'm a kung fu master looking for part time work as a maintenance man. 

What I really say is.......

Can I help you? Mr. Davis isn't taking calls < this is my standard response to all calls. Since we turned off the house phone and only use our cells now.

Well Ma'am he ordered some light bulbs from us and there seems to be some problem with the shipping address. If you could just confirm the order and the shipping address we will get those right out to you.

Big red flag there ^

You see what he did there? He just told me that I'm going to order from him. Now if I let him keep talking he will read a fake order to me and say "dose that sound about right? and if I say no he will ask about a smaller order trying to get a commitment on any order. 

So I stop him in his tracks with, 

"When did you say he placed that order with you?"

Now my inner child is chanting "fight fight fight" and the Diva in me says omg are you really going to get into a fight this early? at which time the inner bitch pipes up with stand back ladies "I got this" but wake up infoman in case I need back up.

Last week Mrs. Davis. He has ordered from us for several years now and always helps us with a generous donation.

Inner-bitch: Really? you don't say and I'm going to fit in a size 2 next week.

I've got him now Bob never orders from phone calls. He orders from Amazon.

So I calmly and rather unceremoniously 

kill my husband.

 It was swift and he felt no pain. Truth be told I doubt if he even realized anything was different. 

Mr.Davis didn't place any orders for anything last week or for the last two month for that matter! 

He had been in a comma after he passed out at the VA clinic, until he died of a stroke last week. 

Inner Diva: Ooooo girl not again. You killed him with that last time. 

Inner Bitch : Shut up I got this, fool go sit down.

Inner child: I got five dollars do you wanta make change?

Up steps Infoman, he tells me that most people are thrown off their game, by a change in demeanor or the use of language they are unfamiliar with. 

With out skipping a beat I say...

How dare you call up here four days after his funeral with some cock-a-mamie story about light bulbs!? You Sir are a fraud and a charlatan and I'm blocking this number after I report you to the Attorney Generals Office.. Good Day! 

Round of applause form the group in my head.

Yeah I get all 19th century on the phone when I prank lying telemarketers.

Now to those of you that are telemarketers.

If you call me with a sales pitch or an "offer" I usually just say " Mark this number out and move to the next one dear we are not interested." 

I have done that job and it's a ball buster even if you don't have balls. Most call rooms are honest people trying to pay the bills. It's not your fault that your best time to call is my worst time to take a call.

  

So anyway I'm a widow now. Well till he gets home tonight anyway. Should I have wine or chocolate to soothe my grief? LOL what am I thinking, both! 

I'm a widow damn it!    

Inner Diva: Girllllll you gotta stop killing that man. It's not right.

Inner bitch: Really it's better than killing him for real.

Inner child: fight fight fight 

Info-man: I'm going to get some lunch. Did you know if you butter the bread then add mayo to your sandwich it won't get soggy in the lunch box?